Back in ?96, I spent almost 2.5 years in jail (fighting ?life?) awaiting my lawyer to have time for this current case. Two months later Tabitha was born ? my baby. The rest of my two years in county I can?t really account for. Mom talked me out of suicide, so I just took anyone?s and everyone?s psych pills. My life and pain then was in a mist.
Unfortunately, I was clear headed coming to V.S.P.W. over ten years ago. It was my first time to prison. We stepped out of receiving and the big cop told us to face the wall, and continued to yell that face the wall meant put your nose ?on? the wall. One girl turned, I saw from the corner of my eye, and her face was smashed to the wall. This big cop told us our lives now in ?prison? belonged to them. They were responsible for our safety, eating, clothing, and privileges, if we got any ? I was scared!!
That?s the day I realized I was ?wake? and in this big, ugly place all alone. No one to really help!
I?ve grown up a lot these past ten years here, matured and changed for the better. It?s been a long, long lonely road; college, self-help, and awakening.
Friends and loved ones come along, I feel a connection too, someone I can finally count on to trudge through this with, but something so simple as a bed move comes along and the distance takes with it the friendship.
I guess we?re all a bunch of lost souls here. Nobody truly cares about the next person, unless of course they can benefit from it. The cops are even worse. Some act like worse animals than the actual inmates; they cuss, laugh at, and taser us. Some taunt us or have us beat up for nothing. Here in lockdown it?s crazy. We have to depend on cops for every supply, food, or piece of clothing, and sometimes it?s days to get a simple maxi-pad.
I want my soul back, a simple hug, a true friend. Boy, what I?d give!!
This place only is getting worse. The over-crowding of lost souls, and with no help or rehab, they just come back angry and lashing out. The violence and the females acting as animals only gets worse. What?s prison going to be like here in ten years I wonder? I know ten years ago it was very scary for me first stepping on prison grounds, but its definitely got worse over the years!
I feel now, that I?m not so lost anymore. I?ve begun to find myself. I do truly feel that my life is of just a bane existence though. Who would even notice or care if I were to vanish? My two beautiful girls and a baby in society. So this prison and all I know here with my so called friends over the years? Wouldn?t notice it ? would be just an open bed space for the next lost soul to take. For friends and loved ones ? they may notice one day when someone says your name or something, but you forgot just as fast.
It?s not a way of living or really punishment. Why not send us fighting in Iraq, let us prove ourselves, then be free or die trying, not prolong this bare existence and daily extreme suffering. There has been one good thing that has come into V.S.P.W. that?s helped me. Bobby Thatcher and Rick Carothers worked very hard to get us a Coastline Community College Program. The tuition has been waived, and there?s a book exchange. Last I heard there?s almost 500 inmates involved. It feels good to get college awards and certificates. It has given me a sense of life ? that at least I?ve accomplished something here. These two guys dispense an award. Also Sister Delhia, a little older lady that has a heart of gold and visits back here in lockdown. More people like that in V.S.P.W., caring souls? could bring so many lost souls back? They have mine.